Monday, January 23, 2012


I have declared that I need some help when managing my household. There are certain tasks that I need to be done, but I just have no energy to do anymore. So I am introducing my HELP-WANTED list…
If anyone knows anybody that would be willing to fill these roles, please let me know.

§  Bodyguard for Mommy- You know the 3 foot rule they have at the strip clubs, well I need a bodyguard that will exercise this rule for me. I need someone to stand at my side at all times of the day to protect me from the injuries that are inflicted on me from my children. No more jumping on mommy’s leg while walking through the house causing me to fall into multiple hard surfaces, no more sitting on the couch and fearing a 30lb being flying at my head. No more unwanted running hug-and-jumps while sitting on the toilet enjoying the only 3 seconds I sometimes get to myself.

§  Bathroom Attendant- For all of my children’s 5-hour tooth brushing sessions. To help my kids get on and off the potty (although they seem to have no trouble doing this when no one is around to ask). To mind the cabinet drawers just in case #2 wants to explore what is in drawer number three. To be splashed during bath-time, because mommy just can’t take it anymore. (Also please find out how #2 can unroll a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet in under 30 seconds)

§  Dishwasher- Because there are too many dirty damn dishes and no one in the house knows the one-cup rule.

§  Laundry folder- I can wash them but in between washing and folding something freakin happens and I usually end up sleeping on 5 loads of clean laundry.

§  Dog Whisperer- To play with dogs, feed them, and figure out why the hell the food keeps magically disappearing off of my daughters’ plates.

§  Personal shopper- To make my lists, and not forget everything on them at the store while trying to fight with your 4yr old about why cookies are not an acceptable dinner.

§  Coloring partner- For the endless amounts of times when they want you to draw a dog, no a cat, no how about a heart, or please spell my name, color this, color that, mommy give me red, no I want blue, OH MY GOD please somebody needs to manage this for me because I am 5 seconds from stabbing this crayon into my eye.

§  Floor attendant- To sweep and mop all of my floors every second of every day, I keep finding crumbs of god knows what, and there are puddles of what I don’t want to think is pee in random places around the house.

§  Glass Cleaner- Getting glass tables were a STUPID idea. Daddy’s TV has sticky finger paintings on it, my windows are no longer transparent (there is no need to have curtains when you have kids). I haven’t been able to see myself in the mirror in at least a week.

§  Book Reader- For all the endless choices of books and you must be fast because staying on a page for more than 5 seconds is just not an option.

§  Bedtime Manager- To stand by the light switch to make sure it stays off at all times no matter what they say about being scared of the dark. To hunt down every cup, pillow, stuffed animal that is needed for them to go to sleep (beware that this is also a trick and you may find yourself looking for things that do not actually exist)

I also need to buy a cow and someone to milk this f-ing cow every 30 minutes. If I knew what a cow costs and I knew how to milk it I would do it because I believe everyone in this house has a milk drinking problem. Is there such a thing as MA, because #2 definitely has a problem.

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